British Madness

[on discovering that 'Happy Birthday' was composed in 1924]
Alan Davies: What did people sing in 1923, for goodness' sake? The got the cake out and everyone just stood about in a slightly awkward silence?


[On Stephen Fry's comment that he had prep school tailors]:
Sean Lock: You had a tailor? For that suit you had made up when you were five?
Stephen Fry: It was a particular outfitter. The school outfitter.
Sean Lock: [mimics tailor] 'Which side does young sir dress on?'
Alan Davies: That's written on the bathroom wall.
Stephen Fry: Oh, heavens. Why did I bring it up?
Sean Lock: Did you have to get measured up for shorts?
Stephen Fry: Oh, lord.
Bill Bailey: [mimics tailor] 'Would sir like to wear a cravat on the cross country run?' [puts a pipe in his mouth and mimes running]
Stephen Fry: You are all such beasts.
Sean Lock: [mimics tailor] 'I suggest a cummerbund for geography.'

[On car satellite navigation systems]
Rob Brydon: I have a gunsight, like a telescopic gunsight, and I don't know what message that is sending me - when you get to your destination, there's a gunsight, so, "You have reached your destination. Now slaughter the family."
Stephen Fry: Kill them, kill them all!

Stephen Fry: Gentlemen, which one of you would like to smother Doon Mackichan in goose fat?
Andy Hamilton: What, again?

Stephen Fry: Arthur, why did Big Beard Wang regularly shave his pussy?
Arthur Smith: Well, I'm afraid I'm disappointed that we've got a cheap laugh from the word "pussy"...
Stephen Fry: I was thinking of "wang", actually.

Stephen Fry: I'm going to raise the tone, now - why did the inventor of the decimal point encourage his servants to stroke his cock?

Stephen Fry: While we're reflecting on God's little chubsters, Jimmy, how many burglaries are committed in the UK by koalas every day?
Jimmy Carr: Every day?
Stephen Fry: Yeah.
Jimmy Carr: ...I'm guessing it's quite a low figure...

Rory McGrath: My favourite word, the longest palindrome in human language is the Finnish word saippuakivikauppias, but the meaning is, "a travelling salesman who sells caustic soda to the soap industry".

[Rory has been relating his knowledge of the periodic table]
Rory McGrath: Selenium is 34, arsenic is 33.
Stephen Fry: Very good. Isn't he good? They should really put railings around you and have children come and stare at you.

[On the question why the House of Lords smells vaguely of urine]]
Stephen Fry: It's because there used to be more hereditary peers, and hereditary peers - what do they usually wear? What sort of jacket do they usually...?
Sean Lock: Tweed!
Stephen Fry: Tweed.
Jimmy Carr: Tweed, as we all know, is made with urine.
Stephen Fry: Yes.
Jimmy Carr: What?!
Stephen Fry: It's the answer. It's the answer, yes.
Jimmy Carr: Is it? Yes, it is, yes! Yeah, Rory, I told you!

[On the fact that women have been proven able to smell fear]
Rich Hall: I think fear smells like crab salad. 'Cause I went into this deli the other day and I said, "Could I have a crab salad sandwich, please?" and the woman said, "We're all out of crab salad, I'm afraid."

Alan Davies: How many grains of sand in the Sahara, then, do you reckon?
Sean Lock: D'you reckon?
Stephen Fry: I lost count, it's quite a few. I got up to seventeen and it's definitely more than that.

[On how the ancient armies caught elephants]
Rich Hall: Well, the truth of the matter is many of these elephants volunteered. They came from small towns, there was no future, no... no circus coming through town...

Stephen Fry: Which is the largest lake in Canada?
Rich Hall: ...Width or depth?
Stephen Fry: Not depth. Not depth.
Jo Brand: Can I attempt an answer at this?
Stephen Fry: Yeah?
Jo Brand: Who cares?
[The klaxons sound and the words "Who Cares?" appear on the screens]

[The theme of this episode is Cockney rhyming slang:]
Stephen Fry: Now, tonight any flamencos in Pyong score Barney, and I'll also give you two Sundays -
Alan Davies: What the fuck are you talking about?

Stephen Fry: So, the question is, how does the U.S. Government look after its Sequoia groves?
Bill Bailey: Er... lions... and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas...
Alan Davies: Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the Sequoia?

[On being challenged to make a new constellation between 'stars' of an existing constellation on black paper with a silver pen]
Jeremy Clarkson: (holds up hand) My pen's run out.
Stephen Fry: (deadpan) My goodness me, the nation's going to be on tenterhooks.

eremy Clarkson: Did you know a veal has to have more space to be transported to the abbatoir than a human being in the back of an aeroplane?
Sean Lock: Yeah, but to be fair, we have a holiday, they get killed.

[On NASA naming a crater on Mars after the town of Corby]
David Mitchell: If there is life on Mars, aren't they going to be angry that everywhere's been named according to some NASA-based in-joke system?

[On 'coffee tights' - tights made from caffeine - invented by the Chinese and designed to reduce cellulite]
David Mitchell: Are we going to have more clothes made of liquid? Like custard socks, or maybe a nice vodka hat.
Stephen Fry: Now you've said custard socks, I want them now!
David Mitchell: You can't have your custard socks until you've put on your gravy cardi.

[Clive Anderson is the President of the Woodland Trust]
Phill Jupitus: How d'you become President? Did the squirrels vote for you?

[On the subject of cockfighting]
Stephen Fry: It says here, "A good cocker would think nothing of cleaning his cock's wounded head by sticking it in his mouth and sucking it clean".
Alan Davies: Yeah...
Clive Anderson: Yes...
Phill Jupitus: You're watching "QI For the Straight Guy"!

Stephen Fry: When you applied for a job as seamen on the Merchant Navy, you either registered as an Able Seaman or an ordinary seaman, and they accepted your word, but you kept a log of your work - which was the real proof of it - and it was called a "certificate of continuous discharge".

[Dara has been penalised for an answer he gained points for in the previous series that was technically incorrect, prompting viewers to write in]
Dara O'Briain: How many people sat at home watching that and said, "It's just a comedy show, but I'm not letting that fecker get away with that!"? (mimes furious typing)
-http://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/QI